Grumpy Birthday

32 years ago..

Today is my birthday.. do i feel if ts my birthday? ..not really.
I am actually quite grumpy and frumpy today.

Its Sunday , the weather is muggy and the sun is not even shining!!

Hubby dearest is working till tonight late and I am alone with the kids..


Ofcourse i got loads and loads of facebook and whatsapp messages which made me feel some better.. so thanks to all of you for that!







I decided to not stay at home and be miserable and got the kids ready and went to the playground.

Once there , there was a birthday party going on from a child from Sofias school, so Sofia was happy playing with the kids and I was running after Livia as she totally discovered the playground!!

Never she wanted to swing , slide and hobble on those plastic hobble horsy thingemajiggy´s and now she doesnt want to come of it anymore.. Its great to see that she enjoys herself so much now.

After half an hour the whole birthday bunch left and it felt like we shouldnt be outside or something..it was so still and deserted. I heard the sound in my head from those old western movies.. tududududuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..
Anyway I ignored it as best as I could and let the kids play a bit more..
I brought my crochet with me ( wishful thinking the call that) so i could entertain myself as well a bit , but Livia decided otherwise.  She decided to run to the other side off the playground and soo not wanted to come back! She got so angry at me for turning her around , which is not funny , but sneakily i find it very funny , because she just walks af grumbling and shouting TATATATATATA TITITITITITITI!!!!!!



When i had enough of the whole playground thing , we went off home and Sofia started counting how many times I am naughty and should be punished in the day.. well aparently I am a very bad mother!
Also she told me that she is going home to see ´Opa en Oma Zee´  ( her grandparents) . I told her they were not in the house yet, she has to sleep some nights more.. where she answered that i just have to stay quiet...
When home she looked at me and said. ´ Opa en Oma Zee are not here yet!!´  I just replied with ´uhuh´ because throwing back an ´I TOLD YOU SO NANANA!!´  is a bit harsch on a 4 year old.

In the meantime Livia was out of her buggy and started pushing me towards the kitchen as she does when she wants a bottle. I got her bottle and discovered that the teeth was broken.. which is not a surprise as the bottle is ment for a child with no teeth not a 3 year old with very sharp teeth.. There is only one big problem..
That teeth is the only teeth she accepts to drink from.. I tried all 4 other bottles she has but normally refuses.. but she is very stubborn and as she doesnt understand her own teeth is broken and she kept pulling me to the kitchen. Its so said , but what can I do ?  I even bought her the exactly same bottle with a new teeth the other day and she just refuses. As it was siesta time for her , I decided to put her to bed with the new bottle and just walk away and see what i find when i wake her up later.. I write this when she is in bed, so I am quite anxious that she is still refusing and is making a painting of milk on the wall.

So now I am on the sofa writing this blog, listening to a terrible cartoon as Sofia desperately wanted to watch it , and now she is playing in the playroom and I am left with the annoying voices of those characters.
I think i will do some more crochet and see how long it will takes before daughters dearests starting calling me again..




Adios!!

Struggle...

Every time when i read online on autism mum forums or elsewhere, I read how the mums struggle and how they have to be the advocate for their special ones..

I always thought, well we are lucky because Livia is apart from her autism a happy child, very relaxed and goes her own little way...

But lately I am starting to feel different and am very stressed about Livia and her future. 
I know she is only three years old, but I have to think about those things because well .. i am her mum....

Loads a things are going around in my head... 

Does she have enough therapy? i thought about this a lot and even made an appointment for next tuesday to go to a centre for intensive therapy in the house.. Even though i know we wouldnt be able to afford such a therapy..

Was it a good decision to let her go to mainstream school in september?
What if she doesnt fit in and is regressing instead of progressing?
What about the future, how i am going to explain Sofia that her sister doesnt really want to play with her?, and even.. what if something happens to us? do we have to make those decisions already? 

And many many more..

Also I feel very isolated in my thoughts.. I don't know people around here who are in the same position as me. I thought about support groups , even looked them up and asked around for it, but then they are all talking Catalan.. what am I going to do .. just sit and nod, even feeling more isolated because And I have a child with autism , And I dont speak the language..

Most of all I feel guilty for having to work so much and not being able to be there for her and help her in her progress as I want so badly. But also I am not a stay-at-home person, so then i feel guilty to not being like that..

I feel confused and angry and sad.. 

I am sorry for the rant and the not so happy lively post on this Saturday evening, but I needed to do this.. 

have a good evening all and till soon.